Philosophy over coffee

Questioning

In Uncategorized on May 24, 2009 at 8:04 am

It’s been a week since I got back. And I’m sick. In my more than 1 year in the US, or almost 2.5 years if we are to ignore the month or two I flew back home for a short vacation, I have never fallen ill. So my family, I joked: I don’t belong here. And I truly refuse to believe otherwise. It was probably something so shallow as the better weather or so deep as the exhilirating experience of being alone, of independence, which from the moment I entered the national airport in January of 07 for my first ever trip alone has already provided that feeling. Somehow, I feel that this isn’t my place. Or have I simply changed?

Months after my last post, I was inspired to ponder on this, yet again, after reading a friend’s blog. This apparently is not the first time I have thought about it; my friend Belle can attest to the incessant ranting I’ve done, which I think in itself is a sign of my difficulty coming to terms with the fact that my old life awaits me. From my friend’s post, I picked up she did not completely feel settled despite having lived in Europe for around 2 years. With that, I once again thought, why does it seem like those who don’t want it as much as I do get them, while I don’t? Or is it only that I have not experienced exactly what they have that makes it impossible for me to conclude the same?

I am turning 24. With a Master’s degree and then some. Yet I still don’t feel accomplished.  The idea is to get a job and do something. But I am held back by the thought of considering any job done an “accomplishment”.  It seems like my definition has evolved (or it probably has been the same all throughout) – that accomplishment comes with a string of many other things, not limited by simply getting a job.  Or THE job, whatever that is. It has come to mean having THE job, being elsewhere, and living independently within my own means (it doesn’t help continuously being funded by parents).

With things not going my way, I can’t help but feel that Lady Luck is not on my side. And I question when she will ever be. I could only hope I don’t grow cynical, just like others have. There is enough cynicism in my system, I’d like to think. I am already plagued by the idea that I may have made the wrong turns in life. That instead of going left, I turned right and instead of following this path, I followed that. Then again, I thought, have I simply been too impatient, deciding to rush things with the hopes of having the dream standing right in front of me in an instant? It doesn’t help when people my age (or younger) have already done what I’ve always wanted (or what I think I would like to do). I could only question when my time would come, or if at all it would. Knowing I am not fully in control of my life, I could only begin to question what the plan is for me.

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