In 2 weeks’ time, I am scheduled to fly back to the Philippines. Apart from leaving the place I got used to, it is also the little things that would make leaving more difficult. It’s not completely horrible, but I suppose there are things that just completely set my life here apart from my life back home.

• There will no longer be the CNBC which I’ve come to love. I suppose I’d have to ask my parents to subscribe to the premium service or whatever it is that would get me that network; we only have Bloomberg.
• There will no longer be the Financial Times that gets delivered to me every day.  I am considering just subscribing to the online version of the Wall Street Journal, which is much less expensive.  Apparently, being a non-student already strips me off of the discount students get from subscribing to the FT (print – $109 vs. some $350 a year). Also no Barron’s.
• Easily, going back means letting go of the opportunity with presumably the better job prospects in Finance/Econs. But I can only promise that that would only be for the meantime. I ain’t giving up on that.
• Odd hours, if at all there’s any, for sports. Football – American and the real thing Tennis would probably be more amenable.

Seeing that this post was started on May 3, and now it is the 24th, I figured it might be better leaving this post unfinished. Just as I believe, unrealistic as it may be, that I don’t have to get used to another kind of life – the old ways of my life. It is only a matter of time before I find what I’m truly looking for.

After all these years
After all these tears between us
Still I couldn’t find
Someone half as right as you

And each time I stop to think
What it is I really need

Heres what I conclude
All I really need is you

Just say what you want to say
You don’t have a chance in the world
Can I, knowing how I’ve tried
Still come close to losing you when you are my world

Have I spent so many nights
Trying but in vain to tell you
Don’t you know it’s true
All I really need is you

——————

Ah, this sucks. YOU have no idea.

I’m sure it’s not just me.

As I watched the millions of people in Times Square count down the remaining moments of 2008 on New Year’s Eve, I felt a sense of excitement just like they did too.  Just like I did last year. And the year before…and the year before that. It wouldn’t be insane to think that it is innate for people to feel a sense of new hope as one year draws to a close, every single year.  Whether it is with fireworks or in a bar with friends or just staying home being accompanied by Carson Daly as the world counts down with New York, we choose to be optimistic. Of course it is no guarantee that the optimism would come realized, but between being positive and negative it just makes perfect sense to choose the former.  Whatever our hopes are, we always look forward to a better year or even just a good one particularly when what we just had revolved around broken dreams, shattered hearts, and quiet and uneventful moments.  It is human nature to seek for more. More money, more friends, more luck in love; better job, better relationships, better life.  I’m sure there were so much more hopes and prayers sent out to the winds with the departing 2008.

I did not have a 401(k) whose value was cut in half by the crisis, nor did I have investments with Bernie Madoff.  But I am as hopeful for 2009 as perhaps every single Madoff investor, retiree, trader, and investor who threw in the towel after such a horrendous and historic 2008.  I did finish graduate school on a very positive note but what ensued was not quite positive. After more than five months of job search, I am still one of the unemployed.  No, it is not a consolation that many more are becoming just like me. With so much time on my hand for TV, I recently decided to register for CFA’s 1st level exam to be taken in June.

Living in the suburbs could only emphasize that quiet as I may seem to people, I am far from wanting to live a peaceful and slow life. For me, there is much to be desired from the frequently irritating car horns blowing one after the after, the noise made by chattering people and the tapping of women’s high-heeled shoes, the loud music resounding from the nearby coffee shop, or the chats, laughs, and screams made by partying people as if the loud 80s playing on their stereos weren’t enough.  I long for the busy, fast lifestyle of being in a city. Having so much spare time, being where I am, also doesn’t help when thoughts- unnecessary and rather confusing, cross my mind several times every single day.  Considering how much of a fool I could be, perhaps I am better of listening to a friend. Kellda, a college friend and barkada, said several times it’s not a good idea. Not her direct words, it’s stupid. When I am all the way here, it doesn’t make sense to be thinking about things that are all the way at the other of the world. She even warned about slapping and punching me when she sees me for even thinking about it.

With so many things that got me worried in 2008, I am ready for 2009. I choose to be more hopeful about landing a job.  Sleep all day? Done with that. Friends have been very supportive and that certainly helped making me feel that good things are about to come.  They’ve provided additional confidence I suppose I needed just when I decided to step aside and almost waved the white flag.  I could only hope that with good feelings about how things are going, my hopes won’t simply turn to dust and just vanish.

Having spent so much time as a bum, I am ready to hit the books scary as they may be and just think about the bigger picture.  Keeping in mind the ultimate goal, I will yet again attempt to find the discipline I had in grad school to bring this to a success.  Three years might be a long time but only by remembering the reasons- big and small- why I am doing this could I find the motivation to keep pushing.  I believe.

So far, the past 5 months may be the considered the most unproductive, unaccomplished I’ve been. Break are good but perhaps the next time I get another break, 2-3 weeks at the most are sufficient.  Five months is much too much; I could only be excited about breaking the monotony.

And Kellda would no longer need to slap and punch.  I am sending the thoughts away. At least try. Even my 2009 forecast agrees: steer away from those thoughts.  I’ve spent so much time thinking about it it isn’t funny anymore.  I’ve reduced myself to something I shouldn’t have. Allowing time to be the decider might simply be the best solution.  And… well, let it be. For now there won’t be the greatest story ever told or four seasons of loneliness. Only good riddance. And the motivation to win. So please, don’t stop the music.

Obama made me not want to hear or say the word “change” anymore… I’d rather just take some lines from a song. Quite not the context of the song but it works on its own.

Ain’t it funny how you think you’re gonna be OK till you remember things ain’t never gonna be the same again?

Aint’ it crazy how you think you’ve got your whole life planned just to find that it was never ever in your hand?

Change…

You don’t see it coming when the future comes knocking.

It can make you or break you too.

You’d just have to make it through.

November 12 marks my third month of finding my luck in landing a job in the financial industry. While there are million others going through the same experience as me, it’s utterly difficult to take consolation in that while I see others continuously leave their marks one firm after another. It has been more than two years since I graduated with my undergraduate degree. Since then, I’ve made a lot of decisions, which at times I doubt were the best ones I’ve made. Certainly there are perks one could take out of those experiences. I’ve also believed for some time that things happen for a reason. However, it is particularly difficult to dig deep for reasons when one deals with frustrations.

When you’re in that very moment of disappointment, of frustration, of questioning, you very well know that answers could only arrive in time. That no matter how much you seek for them, it is the unfolding of events that help you figure things out. Piece by piece, the events let you understand why so and so happened. But in the meantime, you are stuck. You could try to make sense of things but comfort is never completed unless they are matched with often unanticipated events and experiences that help you confirm your initial beliefs.

When I look at things, my only take-aways are first, that I finally know what I want or at least I’m 95% there. No doubts as to law, medicine, or whatnot is what is for me. Second (this just coming fresh off of my friend’s thoughtful brain), perhaps I wouldn’t have developed this level of interest in finance had I stayed in the Philippines. When once an interviewer asked me if the risks I took in studying public policy paid off, I immediately thought and said they did. I probably wouldn’t have had so much time to devote to learning about the stuff I know now if I were back home- simply because there would have been many others distracting me. I used to have deep interest; now I have passion and that’s one of the biggest I could take away from this.

Third, I did realize that finding out what one really wants could indeed be a pain-in-the-ass, long, and tedious process. Maybe it is admirable that for many people, they get their answers early on, without having to go through nine long months of working where the heart isn’t present, followed by more than 15 months of further education and socializing that could only confuse one further. For many, the answer lies right there and then. Yet I also realized that regrets are not when we convince ourselves we made the wrong decisions, but when we choose not to look at the upsides of those decisions.

It has been almost three months now since I began the bloody process of writing, re-writing, editing, revising, submitting, and re-submitting cover letters and resumes. I cannot say how many more months I am willing to wait and stay in the land of dreams for my OWN dreams to come true. At the moment, I am just one of those people who constantly try and wait for their own big breaks. Wherever I find myself two, six , twelve months from now, I can only guarantee I’ll always carry with me the dream of living my passion and the hopes of living that dream. Just like the artist who travels with his guitar from one town to another, hoping and waiting for that moment when it’s time for him to hit the spotlight and play for the rest of the world.

Everyday, an email gets sent to my inbox from RealAge containing health tips and whatnot. What grabbed my attention two nights ago was a link called “Eat more in front of TV”, which is what I do every single night. With so much eating, and not so much exercise, yes, it’s all building up in the belly. And I need some solutions (outside of having to go to the gym and work out). Here’s what I found from the website:

You can eat up to 6 cups of certain low-fat microwave brands for about the same number of calories you’d get from just 7 or 8 chips. Plus, the popcorn also counts as two servings of whole grains.

A survey of 15,000 people found that popcorn eaters get far more whole grains than people who go popcorn-free. And that’s great news for the waistline, because high-fiber whole grains help you feel more satisfied… And whole grains may help flatten your belly, too…

That led me to grab an 8-bag popcorn box when I went to the grocery store the other day, along with a loaf of 100% whole grain bread. I’ll have my first munch perhaps tonight.

Exploring the site further I found a section on food labels and what to look for in them. Here’s what I found out:

• Pay close attention to the number of calories from fat. Anything over 30% (of Calories per serving) is too much.
• Limit total fat consumption to about 30% of your daily calories, and go mostly for the heart-healthy “un” fats: monounsaturated and polyunsaturated. Limit saturated fat to about 1 gram for every 100 calories or less than 20 grams a day.
• Products marked “low cholesterol” must have 20 or fewer milligrams of cholesterol and 2 grams or less of saturated fat.
• The American Heart Association recommends no more than 2,300 milligrams of sodium a day for healthy young adults who don’t have high blood pressure. For middle-aged and older adults, keep the sodium to no more than 1,500 milligrams. Products marked “low sodium” must have 140 milligrams or less.
• Refined simple carbs- the kind found in white rice and in cookies, cakes, breads, and pasta made from white flour- cause unsteady spikes in blood sugar levels, which can lead to overeating, insulin problems, obesity, diabetes, and more.
• Consuming more than 25 grams of fiber per day can make your RealAge almost 3 years younger than eating 12 grams per day.
• Limit your sugar intake to less than 10% of your daily calories. Rule of thumb: Go easy on foods that have more than 4 grams of sugar per serving, with the exception of fruits.
• Get 15% to 20% of your daily calories from protein.

Pretty useful stuff eh?

It has been almost 2 weeks since I left Los Angeles, since I last blogged. Though I should have more time to do stuff, and I actually do, I seem to have less time to do a variety of things. Ever since getting here in Chicago, I have been focused on pretty much 2 things: job hunting and TV. Yes, I have been watching so much TV given I have one in the room where I sleep in. While I do spend a lot of time writing cover letters (still), I still do find A LOT of time to watch the boob tube. And my viewing is focused on two: CNBC, which is the financial TV network of NBC and is like Bloomberg, and the mundane- dating shows, hollywood news, reality shows… those you’re more likely to watch if you’re in Los Angeles.

So far I have applied to 15 jobs. And perhaps 15 is my goal every week. In a month or so, I should have applied to 60, which isn’t so bad. In two months, 120. It’s only a matter of having enough (GOOD) opportunities. Maybe a good strategy would be to apply for US job the first month, and outside of the US the 2nd. After all, it takes some time to hear from companies. So hopefully, IF I get called say to the UK, it’d be the time I need to leave the US (IF I don’t get a job here).

Job hunting is both scary and exciting. With how things are going right now in the world economy, I cannot help but be worried about how long it’s going to take me to get a job, here or elsewhere. But it is also exciting given the wonderful opportunities that await me. Landing a good, nice-paying job that meets all my other requirements and allows me to explore what I want to do most would make it best. I have and I believe always will want to have a job in the financial sector. In corporate banking or investment banking. Be a financial analyst, a research analyst. Whatever allows me to work with numbers. I am not a math whiz but I’m sure it is something I can excel in. While looking for job opportunities, I came across other positions and companies that looked interesting. Some are on the creative side, some on the more technical ones. Apparently, there are some where I believe I could still apply in, whereas there are others where I don’t stand a chance.

Life in Chicago has been slow, very chill. Nothing to do. Living in a suburb with no car to drive around with, except having to hitch with my aunt when we need to go get something from the grocery, restricts my activity completely. More so than in LA. If anything good comes out of being home too much, it is that I no longer spend as much. It allows me to do what I have to do. I hope this all pays off in the near future; I can’t afford to be jobless for a very long time. Particularly after spending so much for tuition and for other stuff. Money needs to start flowing in. I guess it’s all about patience. IT IS all about patience and hard work.

My recent addiction with movies made me think that I want to have my own home theater when I finally get my own house. I imagine a room with a red-painted wall, top of the line surround-sound stereo, and say, a 65-inch LCD HDTV? Ah, that would be heaven.

The strange thing is, while I feel like someone’s already badmouthing me, anger is still not there. I am letting go. Surprisingly easily. Maybe it’s because I find the need to draw the line between mere storytelling and badmouthing. Until I am able to do that, perhaps I do not have the right to feel any emotions. Relief or anger, it’s something for me to decide later on- IF i get the chance. Otherwise, it might be better to just let things pass and pretend nothing is up. True or not, I’ll leave it all to karma.

What would be most disappointing is to find out that a friend has turned into a complete jackass. Unfair as it may be, at least that’s how I see things at the moment.  Something like “guilty until proven innocent”.

Unlike the several graduations I had in the past, yesterday’s was certainly the least emotional.  You can blame it on the camwhoring we were all guilty of or the two remaining electives I need to complete within the next 3 weeks. The sadness just wasn’t there this time around.  Talking to a couple of people made me sad a tad bit but it was completely dissimilar to what transpired in DC during the eve of my departure. That night saw the worst of me. Today, I was talking to a friend and she surprisingly (and certainly interestingly) remarked that I no longer seemed as happy as I did back when we started. It honestly caught me off guard. It was a completely surprising observation.  But I admitted that there was some truth to it. Even the past two weeks or so, I know I managed to fuck up some things which were perfectly working out well.  Though I feel some level of guilt, it is quite unusual that I’m feeling like I couldn’t care less anymore. I’m just waiting for August 12. I am not going to have a more interesting life there, certainly not. But there was just… Nevermind.

————-

It feels great when your hard work pays off. The ceremony yesterday gave me two reasons to at least feel better about all the hard work and lack of sleep the past couple of weeks. Though there’s really no other option, the award for outstanding thesis and the numerous praises for the video I made I guess were more than enough a compensation.   Perhaps the award gives me a better sense of achievement.  That pile of readings and the paper whose pages grew by the day served as my lovechild for the past 3 months or so.

————-

I realized how easily I can get attached to people. Talking to another friend last night made me realize that even after meeting some of them just a few weeks back, I do have the tendency to already feel some level of sadness towards the idea of not seeing them again.

————-

I thought it was fun acting like Zoolander yesterday and mimicking his blue steel look. I got a new haircut just hours before the ceremony so I had a big ego going there. lol.

Before I leave CA, I need to have my last shot at the following:

1. Clubbing
2. Karaoke
3. Thai food
4. Korean Tofu
5. Korean BBQ
6. Japanese Ramen
7. Japanese Sushi
8. Boba Milk Tea
9. Vegas and SF perhaps
10. Er… clubbing?

That list below is what has been preventing me from writing more entries, as much as I wanted to. With my thesis supposedly due today, this is certainly going to be (another) typing day (just as yesterday had been one , too). I might as well continue with that by writing here as I take my break. With a little over a week left before all those things on the list need to be done, unfortunately, I can only cross out two of them- learning flash and the class directory. And I don’t think I’ve even accomplished much of that. I’ve learned just enough to begin the presentation we’re showing for the graduation. I certainly don’t have much time to write so much, so let me make this another ‘random thoughts’ entry.

1. Starbucks’ new drink, Sorbetto, is yummy. Pretty indulgent just like pinkberry. Having worked so much yesterday, I decided to treat myself to one mango sorbetto after finishing my cup of coffee at 9pm. What’s good about it is that it has just the right level of mango taste. I am not a big fan of the fruit so anything excessive (what is considered normal by 99.9% of the world) is a no-no for me.

2. I fucking hate clumsy people. I feel like I’ve always had bad luck with roommates (except for the last one I had and the person living in the other room in my current apartment). I don’t give a shit of you snore so loud it sounds like you’re choking but for crying out loud, CLEAN UP. As if it’s not enough that he’s such a _______ ______-______ (don’t even try to figure out- the number of spaces don’t correspond to what those 3 words are supposed to stand for). Geez.

3. I am torn between being sad and being happy about leaving California. Three more weeks (I think) and I bid farewell once again to people, to places, to CA life. Things haven’t really been my cup of tea (or need I say milk tea? lol) but they’re not bad either.  Add to that the scary feeling I have given I am still jobless (and seriously don’t have time to even apply for jobs).

4. I am wondering when or whether to go back to the Philippines sometime late September or October. While it would be more than awesome to stay here in the US, I certainly don’t think staying in IL will be much fun considering I’ll be a home body, looking for a job day and night, with no car to drive (and no fuckin driver ’s license to use for driving in the first place!!!) and no friends to hang out with. My aunt lives in the suburbs so going out ain’t going to be easy (well, the mere fact that I’m living with my aunt is gonna make it difficult for me to go out).

5. I’ve been a work slave the past several days and I am just fucking tired. My only breaks are lunch, dinner, and the “overextended sleeps”. Konti na lang; I’ll get there. I can’t wait to get to the finish line.

Thinking about all these things certainly is gonna put me on the brink of insanity. Now back to work.

PS I need to see The Dark Knight to relax. I need a haircut. And I need to do some malling.