Unfinished: Adjustments

In 2 weeks’ time, I am scheduled to fly back to the Philippines. Apart from leaving the place I got used to, it is also the little things that would make leaving more difficult. It’s not completely horrible, but I suppose there are things that just completely set my life here apart from my life back home.

• There will no longer be the CNBC which I’ve come to love. I suppose I’d have to ask my parents to subscribe to the premium service or whatever it is that would get me that network; we only have Bloomberg.
• There will no longer be the Financial Times that gets delivered to me every day.  I am considering just subscribing to the online version of the Wall Street Journal, which is much less expensive.  Apparently, being a non-student already strips me off of the discount students get from subscribing to the FT (print – $109 vs. some $350 a year). Also no Barron’s.
• Easily, going back means letting go of the opportunity with presumably the better job prospects in Finance/Econs. But I can only promise that that would only be for the meantime. I ain’t giving up on that.
• Odd hours, if at all there’s any, for sports. Football – American and the real thing Tennis would probably be more amenable.

Seeing that this post was started on May 3, and now it is the 24th, I figured it might be better leaving this post unfinished. Just as I believe, unrealistic as it may be, that I don’t have to get used to another kind of life – the old ways of my life. It is only a matter of time before I find what I’m truly looking for.

It’s true.

After all these years
After all these tears between us
Still I couldn’t find
Someone half as right as you

And each time I stop to think
What it is I really need

Heres what I conclude
All I really need is you

Just say what you want to say
You don’t have a chance in the world
Can I, knowing how I’ve tried
Still come close to losing you when you are my world

Have I spent so many nights
Trying but in vain to tell you
Don’t you know it’s true
All I really need is you

——————

Ah, this sucks. YOU have no idea.

2008: The Year That Was.

I’m sure it’s not just me.

As I watched the millions of people in Times Square count down the remaining moments of 2008 on New Year’s Eve, I felt a sense of excitement just like they did too.  Just like I did last year. And the year before…and the year before that. It wouldn’t be insane to think that it is innate for people to feel a sense of new hope as one year draws to a close, every single year.  Whether it is with fireworks or in a bar with friends or just staying home being accompanied by Carson Daly as the world counts down with New York, we choose to be optimistic. Of course it is no guarantee that the optimism would come realized, but between being positive and negative it just makes perfect sense to choose the former.  Whatever our hopes are, we always look forward to a better year or even just a good one particularly when what we just had revolved around broken dreams, shattered hearts, and quiet and uneventful moments.  It is human nature to seek for more. More money, more friends, more luck in love; better job, better relationships, better life.  I’m sure there were so much more hopes and prayers sent out to the winds with the departing 2008.

The Artist

November 12 marks my third month of finding my luck in landing a job in the financial industry. While there are million others going through the same experience as me, it’s utterly difficult to take consolation in that while I see others continuously leave their marks one firm after another. It has been more than two years since I graduated with my undergraduate degree. Since then, I’ve made a lot of decisions, which at times I doubt were the best ones I’ve made. Certainly there are perks one could take out of those experiences. I’ve also believed for some time that things happen for a reason. However, it is particularly difficult to dig deep for reasons when one deals with frustrations.

When you’re in that very moment of disappointment, of frustration, of questioning, you very well know that answers could only arrive in time. That no matter how much you seek for them, it is the unfolding of events that help you figure things out. Piece by piece, the events let you understand why so and so happened. But in the meantime, you are stuck. You could try to make sense of things but comfort is never completed unless they are matched with often unanticipated events and experiences that help you confirm your initial beliefs.

Flattening It Out

Everyday, an email gets sent to my inbox from RealAge containing health tips and whatnot. What grabbed my attention two nights ago was a link called “Eat more in front of TV”, which is what I do every single night. With so much eating, and not so much exercise, yes, it’s all building up in the belly. And I need some solutions (outside of having to go to the gym and work out). Here’s what I found from the website:

You can eat up to 6 cups of certain low-fat microwave brands for about the same number of calories you’d get from just 7 or 8 chips. Plus, the popcorn also counts as two servings of whole grains.

A survey of 15,000 people found that popcorn eaters get far more whole grains than people who go popcorn-free. And that’s great news for the waistline, because high-fiber whole grains help you feel more satisfied… And whole grains may help flatten your belly, too…

Delayed Update

It has been almost 2 weeks since I left Los Angeles, since I last blogged. Though I should have more time to do stuff, and I actually do, I seem to have less time to do a variety of things. Ever since getting here in Chicago, I have been focused on pretty much 2 things: job hunting and TV. Yes, I have been watching so much TV given I have one in the room where I sleep in. While I do spend a lot of time writing cover letters (still), I still do find A LOT of time to watch the boob tube. And my viewing is focused on two: CNBC, which is the financial TV network of NBC and is like Bloomberg, and the mundane- dating shows, hollywood news, reality shows… those you’re more likely to watch if you’re in Los Angeles.

Jackass.

The strange thing is, while I feel like someone’s already badmouthing me, anger is still not there. I am letting go. Surprisingly easily. Maybe it’s because I find the need to draw the line between mere storytelling and badmouthing. Until I am able to do that, perhaps I do not have the right to feel any emotions. Relief or anger, it’s something for me to decide later on- IF i get the chance. Otherwise, it might be better to just let things pass and pretend nothing is up. True or not, I’ll leave it all to karma.

What would be most disappointing is to find out that a friend has turned into a complete jackass. Unfair as it may be, at least that’s how I see things at the moment.  Something like “guilty until proven innocent”.

Random Thoughts: Zoolander graduated.

Unlike the several graduations I had in the past, yesterday’s was certainly the least emotional.  You can blame it on the camwhoring we were all guilty of or the two remaining electives I need to complete within the next 3 weeks. The sadness just wasn’t there this time around.  Talking to a couple of people made me sad a tad bit but it was completely dissimilar to what transpired in DC during the eve of my departure. That night saw the worst of me. Today, I was talking to a friend and she surprisingly (and certainly interestingly) remarked that I no longer seemed as happy as I did back when we started. It honestly caught me off guard. It was a completely surprising observation.  But I admitted that there was some truth to it. Even the past two weeks or so, I know I managed to fuck up some things which were perfectly working out well.  Though I feel some level of guilt, it is quite unusual that I’m feeling like I couldn’t care less anymore. I’m just waiting for August 12. I am not going to have a more interesting life there, certainly not. But there was just… Nevermind.

————-

It feels great when your hard work pays off. The ceremony yesterday gave me two reasons to at least feel better about all the hard work and lack of sleep the past couple of weeks. Though there’s really no other option, the award for outstanding thesis and the numerous praises for the video I made I guess were more than enough a compensation.   Perhaps the award gives me a better sense of achievement.  That pile of readings and the paper whose pages grew by the day served as my lovechild for the past 3 months or so.

————-

I realized how easily I can get attached to people. Talking to another friend last night made me realize that even after meeting some of them just a few weeks back, I do have the tendency to already feel some level of sadness towards the idea of not seeing them again.

————-

I thought it was fun acting like Zoolander yesterday and mimicking his blue steel look. I got a new haircut just hours before the ceremony so I had a big ego going there. lol.

Last Shot.

Before I leave CA, I need to have my last shot at the following:

1. Clubbing
2. Karaoke
3. Thai food
4. Korean Tofu
5. Korean BBQ
6. Japanese Ramen
7. Japanese Sushi
8. Boba Milk Tea
9. Vegas and SF perhaps
10. Er… clubbing?

Somebody save me.

That list below is what has been preventing me from writing more entries, as much as I wanted to. With my thesis supposedly due today, this is certainly going to be (another) typing day (just as yesterday had been one , too). I might as well continue with that by writing here as I take my break. With a little over a week left before all those things on the list need to be done, unfortunately, I can only cross out two of them- learning flash and the class directory. And I don’t think I’ve even accomplished much of that. I’ve learned just enough to begin the presentation we’re showing for the graduation. I certainly don’t have much time to write so much, so let me make this another ‘random thoughts’ entry.

1. Starbucks’ new drink, Sorbetto, is yummy. Pretty indulgent just like pinkberry. Having worked so much yesterday, I decided to treat myself to one mango sorbetto after finishing my cup of coffee at 9pm. What’s good about it is that it has just the right level of mango taste. I am not a big fan of the fruit so anything excessive (what is considered normal by 99.9% of the world) is a no-no for me.

2. I fucking hate clumsy people. I feel like I’ve always had bad luck with roommates (except for the last one I had and the person living in the other room in my current apartment). I don’t give a shit of you snore so loud it sounds like you’re choking but for crying out loud, CLEAN UP. As if it’s not enough that he’s such a _______ ______-______ (don’t even try to figure out- the number of spaces don’t correspond to what those 3 words are supposed to stand for). Geez.

3. I am torn between being sad and being happy about leaving California. Three more weeks (I think) and I bid farewell once again to people, to places, to CA life. Things haven’t really been my cup of tea (or need I say milk tea? lol) but they’re not bad either.  Add to that the scary feeling I have given I am still jobless (and seriously don’t have time to even apply for jobs).

4. I am wondering when or whether to go back to the Philippines sometime late September or October. While it would be more than awesome to stay here in the US, I certainly don’t think staying in IL will be much fun considering I’ll be a home body, looking for a job day and night, with no car to drive (and no fuckin driver ’s license to use for driving in the first place!!!) and no friends to hang out with. My aunt lives in the suburbs so going out ain’t going to be easy (well, the mere fact that I’m living with my aunt is gonna make it difficult for me to go out).

5. I’ve been a work slave the past several days and I am just fucking tired. My only breaks are lunch, dinner, and the “overextended sleeps”. Konti na lang; I’ll get there. I can’t wait to get to the finish line.

Thinking about all these things certainly is gonna put me on the brink of insanity. Now back to work.

PS I need to see The Dark Knight to relax. I need a haircut. And I need to do some malling.

The Death of Me

The next two weeks are fatal. And they haven’t sunk in yet…

For the next two weeks, the following needs to be accomplished:

1. (Final) Thesis Draft
2. Thesis Final Presentation Powerpoint
3. Thesis Final Presentation
4. Final Presentation- Elective Powerpoint
5. Final Presentation- Elective
6. Paper 1- Elective
7. Paper 2- Elective
8. Class Directory
9. Learn Flash for the…
10. Graduation Video
11. Movie- Weekend 1
12. Movie- Week 2
13. Shopping- Weekend 2
14. Graduation Prep?

And yet I am still not stressed out. Why, why, why.

Child Musings at 3.

For some people, being branded childish is such a slap on the face. But for the others, it is nothing but a mere empty label. It hasn’t been only once, or twice, or thrice, or even ten times that I have been branded such. At 23, people expect a certain level of maturity, if not complete maturity. Yet at 23, I find myself still chuckling and getting hysterical at the shallowest of things, some of which perhaps only a 5-year old kid would appreciate. While I do get reminded at times that there is some growing up that needs to be done, some things that need to be caught up on, I still can’t help but indulge in the frequent moments of childishness.

I am often called crazy but after giving it some thought, it then makes me wonder- am I crazy because I am wild, ridiculously and thoughtfully funny, and just plain out of my mind? Or am I crazy because of my already apparent childishness and clumsy, gibberish thoughts? I am not writing for the plain reason of defending myself but instead to make sense of all this, if indeed it is possible. You meet me the first time, I am completely silent (although that is slowly being changed). You meet me the 2nd time, I become more open. You meet me the 3rd, 4th and 5th time, depending on the circumstances, you can probably already have the ‘good’ impression many people have of me.

#2: Kids at heart.

1. I’d like to think that I’m generally not mean, but if there’s really one thing I can’t tolerate, it’s the stench that emanates from, well, smelly people. I need not identify who they are for the sake of not having to state the obvious.

2. Proposals to seek alternative forms of energy as the price of oil continues to skyrocket point out to the use of corn as a potent source. Yet issues arise with regard to possible scarcity if this particular commodity is used. It is a valid point. I’d like to think it is part of social responsibility. Therefore, any proposal to push through with this plan for the sake of profitability and with utter disregard for possible starvation is just plain ridiculous.

3. I’m slowly realizing, late is at might be, that no matter how difficult something is, it still becomes enjoyable as long as our interest lies in it. The level of difficulty is surpassed by the amount of effort we put into it. Because our heart is in it.

4. I wish comforting someone to easily get over the grief of losing a family member is as simple as regular people enjoying the beautiful positive words of a considerably comforting song.

5. And he says, “Dad, I love you. Can you hear me? I promise I’ll be good. So don’t worry about me and [our] family. You’ll always be with me wherever I go.” It sounded as if it came from a kid. Perhaps grief and sadness reminds us humans that no matter how old or tough we seem, when things like this strike us, we are indeed still kids- vulnerable to the forces of the world to which we don’t have control.

Whinging Statistics

I can sense the intense pressure creeping up my spine. In 2 months’ time, I will be done with school. Finally done with school. And it only points to one thing- getting a job. I came here in the States with so high hopes, with so much expectations. Even some air of arrogance, thinking it should be easy for me. After all, I am smart, pursuing my graduate degree, went to top-tier universities… how hard could it be? Well, it IS hard. I guess I am still to completely prove it. I can’t say that I have made a looot of applications. Some people I know have submitted 30-40 applications for an internship and got only a few call backs. I probably haven’t even sent out more than 15 applications total. Who am I to complain? I shouldn’t and cannot complain. It is partly something I realized recently (and as weird as it sounds to say this, I realized it after watching the movie ‘The Devil Wears Prada’). Whining does not get me anywhere, doing something does.

As frustrating as it may seem, receiving rejection emails, one at a time (sometimes two in a night), can and should only push me to do so much more than what I’ve done before. I am in no position to complain. I haven’t sent an application to all companies out there, have I? No. True, I have my own preferences of where I want to work, company-wise and geography-wise but if it means having to send multiple applications to the same firm for different positions just to gain entrance to that company, then why not? Maybe it is one way. Maybe it IS the way.

‘Sweet ‘these’ are made of dreams’

Two dreams I had within the past week stuck in my mind. One got me excited and the other one got me somewhat scared and worried. About 2 days ago, I dreamed getting a haircut again. It was just 2-3 weeks ago that I did. And yes, this was the one that got me excited. Well, it was the thought of having a new (good) look. You can’t blame me, can you? Especially looking at the fact that I usually don’t cut my hair until 4-5 months after I last had it. Every single time I do get it, it makes me feel much better. I look good. (Okay, this is the end of vanity for this post.) Anyway, it always rouses my curiosity as to what these dreams mean. Perhaps even without scientific verification (or is it even necessary?), I do hold some form of belief in these random interpretations you find on the net. Maybe because, sometimes they do have a semblance of accuracy and logic. So here’s what I found out about my haircut:

To dream that you are cutting your hair suggests that you are experiencing a loss in strength. You may feel that someone is trying to censor you. Alternatively, you may be reshaping your thinking or ambitions and eliminating unwanted thoughts/habits.

Divorcing marriage

Having had lunch at one cafe in school allowed me to catch a glimpse of some news on TV. It was interesting enough to have caught a report about marriage in the United States for 2 consecutive days. Yesterday, it was reported that in a span of 7 years (?), the number of couples getting married declined by 20% and co-habitation is now at a rate of 80%. In today’s news, viewers sent their opinions and the following were just some of them:

• It is becoming socially acceptable to have children out of wedlock. So why get married when there’s no need?
• One guy, after going through 3 divorces, already thinks marriage is not worth it (SURPRISE!)
• Marriage is merely a glorified and expensive pinky-promise.
• (If I understood it right…) Filing your ITR individually, rather than as a couple, actually increases your rebate and this allegedly makes for good (economic) argument against marriage.
• A guy said his grandparents celebrated their 50th and his parents are about to celebrate their 25th. Thus, he would want to have his own wedding and break some records. (Glad to hear!)

Three of the views above only prove the gravity of are and how rare is it for you to see people who still believe in the value of marriage. One guest in the show yesterday said that people now have more fears of getting married due to the growing statistics of people getting divorced. As a result, they just resort to co-habitation, where they don’t get tied down. There’s no commitment.

I don’t know what else to make of this. As someone who was brought up as a Catholic with my own view of the sacrament of matrimony, its value and sacredness, it is difficult to be impartial hearing things like this. It is not fair to blame the country and say it is not a good place to settle down and start your own family. Rather it is in the people who are involved and the society itself that creates pressure among everyone else, giving the impression that marriage is almost sure to fail. I hope I don’t see that day when marriage becomes a societal taboo because the society dictated it to be so. Legalization of gay marriage, departure from heterosexual marriage, co-habitation, and either children out of wedlock or abortion… Something must be terribly wrong with this country.

Everybody’s free.

The graduation yesterday inspired me to look back to this song and listen to its message again.

Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) by Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99, If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked… You’re not as fat as you imagine.